So I haven't posted since Thanksgiving and I'm guessing it is because I felt better. Then Christmastime got here and BAM! Anxiety, Depression, feeling like I would just like to sleep for a week and all of this happy happy joy joy time would go away. Why does my brain tell me to be this way? As I sit here and watch this MU bragging rights game I think to myself, I wish had bragging rights, bragging rights to say Christmas is here and I'm excited! But that would be a fantasy!
I know that tomorrow will just be worse. Christmas Eve, a time of excitement and family time and joy and food and presents. But not me! I just want it to be done! My mom use to tell me that she didn't like Christmas. I always wondered why she thought this, how could anyone dislike Christmas. But now I know. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. Maybe its the disease, or maybe its just me, I wish I knew but I don't.
So I think about going to sleep and wish I would wake up and it would be December 26th! I love the meaning of Christmas, I love the look in my children's eyes when they open their presents but thats it. SO heres to hoping for a fast Christmas and sleep!
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Holiday's how I hate them and love them!
Once upon a time I loved the holiday's. I was the girl that counted the days down to Thanksgiving and Christmas. The girl that made noodles 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, that premade those pumpkin pies and put up her Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. Then the kids came and times changed. Sure I wanted the holiday's to be perfect! I handmade as much as I could. I wrapped the presents early and hid them away for little eyes to see. Then something changed, I don't know what it was, it was like a switch flipped!
One day I was cleaning my house from top to bottom getting ready for those Thanksgiving guests to arrive, pre-baking those pies, thawing that turkey and then the next day I woke up and felt literally sick! Sick to my stomach with anxiety and fear! Fear that something was going to happen, something wasn't going to turn out the way things should turn out. That someone was going to say something about my house being dirty, that something was not cooked right or that I had put on weight, someone was going to criticizes the way I did things. As I sat in that bathroom puking my guts out my life changed.
I wish I could say I had this one day of dread and life moved on and everything went back to normal, but I can't! My life changed that day from loving the holiday's to hating them. Sure I'm a Christian woman and love the celebration of Jesus birth but I wish times that was it! That there wasn't all this crap with presents and meals and running here and there to everyone's houses. Why can't we just cough it up to enough is enough. I have too much stuff as it is I don't need more things! Why do I keep up this charade? Because its like keeping up with the Jones! If you do it, I have to too! And this is one of the biggest reason's I've started this blog. Not for anyone to read but for myself. Maybe I can get past this fear I have and live my life with my Family and enjoy the holiday's. Only time will tell!
Signing off
Woman with too many holidays to go to and too many pies to bake!
One day I was cleaning my house from top to bottom getting ready for those Thanksgiving guests to arrive, pre-baking those pies, thawing that turkey and then the next day I woke up and felt literally sick! Sick to my stomach with anxiety and fear! Fear that something was going to happen, something wasn't going to turn out the way things should turn out. That someone was going to say something about my house being dirty, that something was not cooked right or that I had put on weight, someone was going to criticizes the way I did things. As I sat in that bathroom puking my guts out my life changed.
I wish I could say I had this one day of dread and life moved on and everything went back to normal, but I can't! My life changed that day from loving the holiday's to hating them. Sure I'm a Christian woman and love the celebration of Jesus birth but I wish times that was it! That there wasn't all this crap with presents and meals and running here and there to everyone's houses. Why can't we just cough it up to enough is enough. I have too much stuff as it is I don't need more things! Why do I keep up this charade? Because its like keeping up with the Jones! If you do it, I have to too! And this is one of the biggest reason's I've started this blog. Not for anyone to read but for myself. Maybe I can get past this fear I have and live my life with my Family and enjoy the holiday's. Only time will tell!
Signing off
Woman with too many holidays to go to and too many pies to bake!
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